It is my favorite time of year. Also stressing as the pool gets closed. We opt to have a company do this do if there is a problem with draining a line and it freezes, it is on them. This was the day we drained the pool. All I wanted to do was watch a horror movie and chill while waiting for the guys. Nope…
Uhura: Lady, lady, lady, lady….. laaaaaady….
Uhura: We need talks.
Me: What did Foster do now?
Uhura: We need talks. WE NEED TALKS! TALKS TALKS TALKS!!!!
Me: I heard you, settle down. What did Foster do now?
Uhura: It be Octogrefests.
Me: You mean Octoberfest?
Uhura: Nopes. It be falldowns and monsters and happyparties timeys. Pretty sure Octogrefests. Be scary time of da year for doggies and chaseycats. Fings smells goods and punkiny and crunch leaves but monsters comes toos. Not sure where Oct be from. Oct means eights and we be tens now. Tens –one, tens-two, tens-free-boy-birfday, tens-four, all way tens-firty-ones and ends of Octogrefests and you gives chocolatemakemepukey to visiting monsters. Chocolatemakesmepukey and monsters at doors no funs. Be scary.
Me: Ok and I ask again, what did Foster do now?
Uhura: He be readin’ Scary ‘Skettis on the spiderwebs. Says be learnings. Long timeys ‘til Sports o’ Chairs so he be getting more thoughts in fuzzy heads. He mebbe scary now.
Me: I need a translator.
Uhura: No follows.
Me: Ok, are you trying to tell me because it is a long time until Game of Thrones comes back on that Foster is trying to read Creepy Pasta to get ideas because it is October?
Uhura: OOOOOOOO! Yous translate. Always goods to knows bilinguals.
Me: I am figuring it out.
Uhura: An’ he sez girl reading Mebbe John’s berry stories. She reads lots dems. Don’ know whys be scary ‘cuz berries not scary, dey be nummie and has negative oxidents. But he sez he learnings ‘bout kings and plagues and scary stuff for me. And Crankypants Fuzzyhead sez he be reads dem too and Scary ‘Skettis and berry books an he be learns. And look dere my nubby tails – I catch!
Me: Uhura, focus… and the word is antioxidents.
Uhura: Oooooooos, foooooocus. I be fooooooocus. What focus?
Me: FOSTER GET IN HERE!!!
Foster: You are disturbing me. This better be important.
Me: What are you telling Uhura now?
Foster: Besides that she is a beast?
Me: What are you doing with Creepy Pasta and reading those books?
Foster: Listen, you are wasting my valuable time. I need to get to the Amazon.
Foster: I need to get to the Amazon. That is where you go to order things. I have decided I need a Lab. You can get everything from the Amazon. But I think it is a long trip there so I need your portal technology. Why do you pinch your temples like that?
Me: Why do you think I have portal technology?
Foster: You and the man often say you went to the Amazon and look for packages on the steps. Just today you had a Halloween one come in. By the way, does man know about that? Or did you sneak it? How much is it worth to you for me to keep it silent?
Me: Are you trying to black mail me?
Foster: Anyhow, I have to get your credit card number.
Uhura: What be creditcards?
Foster: That thing they let people look at or they type numbers into the computer so they get things.
Uhura: OH! Indebtscards! Dey be indebtscards. Dey bes the fings dat lady use to get stuffs send to house for us!
Foster: Whatever. Anyhow, one of the books My Lady read – the books you give her to read – deals with books and gems and portals to other realities and Cthulhu. Others have subservient genetically modified beings which I feel could be very useful. So, I figure between things on Creepy Pasta, those books you let My Lady read and a few other things, I can create a portal to the Amazon, order a lab, create a lab accident and …
Uhura: Da brainz gonna takes over da world! I be Pinky!!!! On noes, I no pinks. I pepperysalts. Can I push Crankpants real goods down stairs? He be ‘nnoying.
Me: Stop. Both of you, stop. None of us are taking over the world. Foster, Amazon is a mail order company, you do not need portals. Second, you are not ordering anything off Amazon.
Foster: Fine. And why the heck is she calling it Scary Spaghetti? It is Creepy Pasta.
Uhura: Oh, dat be eaaaasies. Pasta no creepy. It be nummies. It good when drop on floors and goes crunch in teefs. Even betters hots wif balls made of meats and liquided ‘matoes. ‘Sketties pointy heads, an talks bouts pointy heads…
Me: Leave Foster out of this.
Uhura: Topics back on. ‘Sketties be pointy and when grab from fingies dey pokey eyebulbs and nose. ‘Sketties scary.
Me: You speak in synonyms.
Uhura: CINNAMONS goods with sugars and breads and you be bilinguals.
Me: Foster, whatever you are doing, it needs to stop. You need to stop scaring Uhura. You are not getting a lab. That is not how lab accidents work. Lab accidents do not give you superpowers. You are not a direwolf. You are being an annoying little dog right now.
Foster: ALERT ALERT!
Uhura: Oh listen, he goes BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK and BARK . Dey be mischips afoots. WIGGLE DANCE! WIGGLE DANCE! I joins!
Foster: WOMAN! There are strange men in the yard and they are stealing our pool water!
Uhura: Noes, nots pools water!
Me: They are closing the pool for the cold weather.
Foster: They are stealing the water, they must die.
Uhura: WIGGLE DANCE! Preppy for warz!
Me: You two are why I drink.
Uhura: Ohs, drinks be good. Waters, lots glasses everydays. Good for Bills of Rights.
Me: You mean Constitution and not that definition of constitution.
Uhura: No ideas wat talking ‘bout. My rights to has waters and we pays Bills for water. I hears big guy talks ‘bout bills all da times. Waters be rights and bills and dey makes beardie drippy and paint da floors and if want I shares special secrets waters in backy yards dat be well ages wif a tad of dirts unnertones. 2017 good year for dat water drinks.
Me: Can you two just go away?
Foster: Wilding, come with me, we will get Spazhound and Wimpgirl and protect the pool water, by ourselves. We shall get no help from her!
Uhura: YAY FIGHTS! CHARRRRGIEEEES! OUCH!
Foster: You know she just crashed into the gate… Why are you pinching your temples again? You do that a lot? Are you sure you do not want me to see if there is a lab accident to help with that?
Me: I see an accident in the works if you do not go away now…
Uhura: DEFENCE!!!! DEEEEEFENCE!!!! OUCHIEEES!
Me: Yes Foster, I know – the gate again.
Foster: And I assume you are not opening it or the back door.
Foster: Then I shall go bark at the front door until they exit the premises. Come, Wilding!